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currently feels like my ears have turned inside out, like the pressure inside my head is slightly off. it’s really uncomfortable and messing with my vision and balance in a big way.

i’m still feeling terrible and worried this will continue past tuesday and not allow me to play beyond light without worrying about spoilers.

it appears to me that he has been persuant of this idea of immortality for so long at such lengths that he has lost anything that made him human, which makes me wonder at his opposition to the vex, when both are driven by singular obsessions. exos are miraculous but at what cost?

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this man is operating so far outside the bounds of moral science that it brings into question how does he operate on the scale that he does. the things he subjects his test subjects to, especially living in β€œbodies” that lack a vital response of any sort seems beyond outlandish.

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i’ve been following the destiny 2 beyond light arg and reading the lore entry (docs.google.com/document/d/e/2) i’m struggling with some of the foundations of this story and i’m really curious to find out more regarding the situations of clovis bray and his mentality.

the war crimes are unforgivable, but the motivations that drove the nation’s behavior during wartime doesn’t seem that far off the existing standard set by any other nation. they should be held to account, but are only following the (bad) example set for them.

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particularly the opinion that while making war is wrong, i don’t think japan can be faulted for following
the same example of imperialistic and colonialism behaivor that was set by every western nation up to that point.

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i’ve been watching a lot of documentaries lately, and i’m coming around to the understanding of where each nation was at, socially and politically; before, during, and after the second world war. it has taken many things i was taught and turned them completely around.

i am not in the position of not knowing how to achieve something, but rather not knowing what it is that needs to be achieved. additionally, having such a different starting point that not a single person i’ve met thus far could even hazard a guess as to how to begin to tackle it

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to make things more complicated, i also have a major, presumably degenerative, illness now. that has complicated things immensely, but i don’t think it has changed me. i am perhaps more true to myself now than ever before as i know i cannot hesitate with anything.

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i know i’m definitely the anomoly here. i always knew what i’ve wanted out of life, so not knowing - which is what i understand is the natural state of people - is very much a mystery to me that i’ve devoted no time to at all.

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it’s not that i’m not enjoying life, therefore i’m depressed, or vice-versa. rather, the previous suppositions i had are no longer true and attempting to grapple with that is monumental and difficult.

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much of this aligns with the struggle of β€œhow do i fit XYZ many things into my life and also feel satsisfied with it?” and that’s something i’m currently really struggling with. i live on the premise that one must enjoy and feel enlightened by their life and getting back to that.

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you know, just where my mind is at right now i have no desire to engage with twitter as a platform anymore but unfortunately there are a number of channels that i have no other way of accessing, and i’m faced with this struggle of how important are these aspects to me, really.

what i’m having a hard time with at the moment is how people seem to be missing how easy it seems to have been to β€œwin”, like that was it.

i am mildly concerned that all the terrible physical symptoms i’ve experienced over the last few weeks may have been from estrogen withdrawal and… if that’s true… i am absolutely astounded. i have been incapacitated completely by it in ways i’ve never expected or imagined.

destiny 2 patch notes about character creator that make me excited:
・Changed selection from β€œMale” & β€œFemale” to β€œMasculine” & β€œFeminine.”

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