right now in pokemon swsh, i am blocked from advancing because i’m delaying my third gym battle. on the other hand; i have a bunch of pokémon that i absolutely shouldn’t have this early in the game because of meticulous farming of the wild-area dens, and leveling them is fun.
yes, this sure got very grim/dark very fast — but, this is the truth i’m living. it’s terrible and ugly and harmful, all in unexpected ways, but it also isn’t wrong for me to exist the only way i can right now.
i don’t really know how to describe it without using the phrase “ice-cold oatmeal” to properly express how undesirable it all is. honestly, it feels like my body wants to communicate its desire to die, to my mind — which is still demanding it work
that weight-loss was probably from medical-related stress. the scary part is that recently i seems to have lost the ability to feel hunger. to be clear, i know what appetite-suppression is — and this isn’t it. food has become… ???
since april of 2018, i’ve lost ~25kg. only in the last two months has my weight been steady at ~62kg, and not dropped any further. i really didn’t have any weight to lose in the first place, and we don’t know why it happened.
after spending the last few days binging pokemon swsh; i spent the afternoon reading, and in one of the comics i read today has a character with an eating disorder. i mention this has it reminded me that, lately, how poorly i’ve been doing about that, myself.
this is a really silly hill to die on, but i’m gonna always insist it is more red than brown per strand of hair, and the overall color in appearance is due to having thick strands of hair and not enough light penetration to show the actual coloring without being severely darkened
personally, i am really loving the hatenna/hattrem/hatterene pokemon introduced in swsh. they just wanna be left alone; and i can really really relate to that. oh and their color-scheme also is really good!!
yes, i will retweet just about any picture of girls kissing/gazing/blushing/wall-slamming/embracing or otherwise engaged in intimate or cute activities with each other. as far as i’m concerned, there isn’t enough of that in this world; so, i’m just doing my part by retweeting it.
without my cane i do not look disabled, which is bad, because i very much am. so i need it with me, connected to my person, at all times. otherwise i cannot safely navigate the world. despite this, you would be shocked at how often i get treated like it doesn’t belong to me.
to the point where they act leisurely because i’m moving slow as i have to work with only one free hand instead of two, or i’m forced to stand in a long line, or must remain standing while they go off and do something. the whole dynamic feels like it’s purpose is to penalize me.
frustrates me to no end when i arrive using my cane, then am expected to stand around and wait for someone to leisurely assist me while i am forced to stand and work one-handed while the fact i’m disabled is completely hidden from view, and no consideration is given to my ability
i’ve come to the conclusion that the height and configuration of desks/counters/kiosks/etc have been designed such that they can hide from view anything “unpleasant” for normies. namely: mobility aids, visible disabilities, small children, etc.
i stayed in bed today to play pokemon. i am also so exhausted that i’m reconsidering my ability to do the same thing again. the recovery process post-surgery is teaching me a lot about how much i can physically handle doing in a day.