if i’m being honest: i don’t have the motivation to pick things up and put them back together anymore. i lost that well over a year ago. since then, it’s been just a wait for the other shoe to drop. once that happens i don’t imagine there will be anything at all that could convince me to do anything but die.
cw: loss of appetite/chronic illness (-)
tonight i go to bed with an upset stomach — partly because i haven’t eaten anything (solid) all day — partly because if i try, it won’t stay down. it makes me feel foolish, trying to prep food for myself only to watch it get cold, untouched, across the room because it makes me feel horrible even being remotely near it. it also feels terrible, that i’m approximately starving myself to death.
cw: loss of appetite/chronic illness (-)
i think the most harmful part of my life these days is losing the ability to eat on my own terms. every single time it happens, i get overwhelmed by this notion that my body is protesting the stress and trauma i’m/it’s under. personified, i’d say it’s a quiet admission of defeat, a “you had a good go of it, but, please, please stop,” kind of expression. i’m honestly not sure how many more times i can put up with it before giving in too.
i’m getting tired and i’m also being troubled with thoughts about whether or not i feel satisfied enough with my expected life ahead of me. i’m really struggling with my sense of satisfaction; meaning, that i don’t know what happened to mine. many things don’t feel “right” anymore; everything is just boring.
over the last few weeks; i’ve definitely made aspects of my life more comfortable as a result of knowing more and treating myself better. however, i’m still struggling with my sense of self and how do i act as a person in my everyday life. a lot of it just feels like going through the motions and not a whole lot else. i am starting to question how much mental endurance i have when things come down to it and if i’m able to hold myself together when i need to. i am afraid i’ve become useless :/
i would really appreciate some clarity as to why the apple watch is only supposed to be worn on the top/outside of one’s wrist. is this to ensure the there is enough skin surface for the sensors to engage and take readings? was this just a style decision made from the outset and then built around? when i initially tried to put on the watch i put it on the inside of my wrist; for the purpose of it being out of the way and less likely to get caught on things.
i had dinner with my parents last night and it turned into the most ugly fight i’ve ever had with them. in retrospect i wasn’t truly in danger; however it sure felt that way at the time. i’m quite unhappy about the fact that it happened now. it will take some time for all of us to heal and understand everything that happened there; but i don’t like that there is now distance and animosity between me and my family while i am very ill.
in order to be kind to my body; i spend most of my days laying down in bed. this is to keep my heart-rate at a nice 60-70bpm, instead of a severely elevated 120bpm. as such, i spend a lot of my time reading until my elbows hurt, puttering on my phone/switch/surface, as well as taking naps whenever i feel the need to help keep my energy levels up enough to accommodate the continuation of the aforementioned activities.
website: hold up, before you submit this form i need you to show me out of this collection of photos, which are bridges. this is a simple test to prove you are indeed a Real Person and should be allowed to submit this form, this isn’t at all a means to collect datasets for neural networks to identify targets for drone-strikes.
me: look i just want to find a new therapist
i know, now, that this mindset is a fallacy; but it was, for better or worse, the only thing i was given to work with as a child. thus, continues to be the only framework i have to work with today. i just hope that i can continue to become better at recognizing that mistakes are inherent to this system i’m using, and not a product of me trying to live my ideal life.
i think it also comes from personal frustrations at seeming to never being able to keep up with everything that is piled atop my shoulders. there’s a ideal i’m striving towards, of what i want to make my life. then any and every minor set-back to that ideal is taken as a major defeat. i know i cannot be perfect but for whatever reason, that is my goal, as that is my perception of other people’s expectations of me. anything short of that isn’t acceptable, and that has set me back a long long way.