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if i’m being honest: i don’t have the motivation to pick things up and put them back together anymore. i lost that well over a year ago. since then, it’s been just a wait for the other shoe to drop. once that happens i don’t imagine there will be anything at all that could convince me to do anything but die.

aaaaaaahhh. i am, as always, continuing to be a very sappy romantic β€” which has turned out to be a big plus when trying to breathe life back into my β€œhopes and dreams”; after being abruptly extinguished by chronic illness.

gah; i know it’s just an affirmation of the fact i have MS, but i really really cannot stand the fact that my body feels β€œcoldness” on a level so deep that literally nothing can be done to prevent it. my poor legs :(

tbqh, this still has me really worked up. i don’t think there is anything quite as disturbing for oneself as feeling your attempt to move part of your body while it remains motionless.

last night had a pretty terrifying collection of dreams, most of which centered on me not being able to move the vast majority of my body due to it being numb and unresponsive β€” the experience that comes with my MS attacks but no longer isolated to just a hand or a foot.

cw: loss of appetite/chronic illness (-) 

cw: loss of appetite/chronic illness (-) 

i’m getting tired and i’m also being troubled with thoughts about whether or not i feel satisfied enough with my expected life ahead of me. i’m really struggling with my sense of satisfaction; meaning, that i don’t know what happened to mine. many things don’t feel β€œright” anymore; everything is just boring.

there better not be jackhammers running at 7am again tomorrow. the worst part was that they ran for a total of maybe 10-15 minutes then that was it for the rest of the morning. ugh.

over the last few weeks; i’ve definitely made aspects of my life more comfortable as a result of knowing more and treating myself better. however, i’m still struggling with my sense of self and how do i act as a person in my everyday life. a lot of it just feels like going through the motions and not a whole lot else. i am starting to question how much mental endurance i have when things come down to it and if i’m able to hold myself together when i need to. i am afraid i’ve become useless :/

why jackhammers at 7 o’clock sharp?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!.

i would really appreciate some clarity as to why the apple watch is only supposed to be worn on the top/outside of one’s wrist. is this to ensure the there is enough skin surface for the sensors to engage and take readings? was this just a style decision made from the outset and then built around? when i initially tried to put on the watch i put it on the inside of my wrist; for the purpose of it being out of the way and less likely to get caught on things.

if something where to suddenly happen to me; i would regret having that as our last conversation together.

i had dinner with my parents last night and it turned into the most ugly fight i’ve ever had with them. in retrospect i wasn’t truly in danger; however it sure felt that way at the time. i’m quite unhappy about the fact that it happened now. it will take some time for all of us to heal and understand everything that happened there; but i don’t like that there is now distance and animosity between me and my family while i am very ill.

the intro and outro themes to miss kobayashi’s dragon maid anime are so upbeat and cheerful i cannot help but smile lots and lots when i hear them.

in order to be kind to my body; i spend most of my days laying down in bed. this is to keep my heart-rate at a nice 60-70bpm, instead of a severely elevated 120bpm. as such, i spend a lot of my time reading until my elbows hurt, puttering on my phone/switch/surface, as well as taking naps whenever i feel the need to help keep my energy levels up enough to accommodate the continuation of the aforementioned activities.

website: hold up, before you submit this form i need you to show me out of this collection of photos, which are bridges. this is a simple test to prove you are indeed a Real Person and should be allowed to submit this form, this isn’t at all a means to collect datasets for neural networks to identify targets for drone-strikes.

me: look i just want to find a new therapist

it’s hard; when you so desperately want to move forward with so many things but at the same time everything else is holding you back from it.

i know, now, that this mindset is a fallacy; but it was, for better or worse, the only thing i was given to work with as a child. thus, continues to be the only framework i have to work with today. i just hope that i can continue to become better at recognizing that mistakes are inherent to this system i’m using, and not a product of me trying to live my ideal life.

i think it also comes from personal frustrations at seeming to never being able to keep up with everything that is piled atop my shoulders. there’s a ideal i’m striving towards, of what i want to make my life. then any and every minor set-back to that ideal is taken as a major defeat. i know i cannot be perfect but for whatever reason, that is my goal, as that is my perception of other people’s expectations of me. anything short of that isn’t acceptable, and that has set me back a long long way.

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