i’m really excited to watch ellen’s journey at apple!!
there is a lot of things about being as ill as i am, that i haven’t fully considered yet. i’m over two years into this now, and still only barely coming to terms with it.
a thought struck me today — that i may not be able to have dreams and aspirations to reach for, anymore. i find myself both tremendously sad about this, while also being confused and lost as how to connect this with my own understanding of my identity.
it’s kinda great not having to worry about being a visible self-harm risk. not taking my meds makes me feel worse pain than i could ever cause by slicing into my own body.
instead, i get to carry this knowledge with me all the time. instead, i feel so bad i cannot even eat. instead, i lie here day and night - forced to endure this torture. instead, i’m supposed to put on a smile and carry on without a hint of anything being wrong.
i cannot keep doing this.