maybe there is a language that exists that is more suitable than english to depict the feeling of something and its polar opposite at the same time, rather than as two distinct and separate signals to the brain. it's not a blend or mix, but a singular alien sensation of it's own.

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for a while i've had this thin understanding that i lack the ability to illustrate what illness is doing to me. at first i thought it was a lack of understanding, then a lack of vocabulary, but now i'm suspecting it's a lack of experience - that it has no comparable experience.

i swear i'm going to move to a tropical island. global warming and rising sea levels be damned. i will happily eat commuting costs to visit my boston area doctors as long as i don't have to be cold all the time.

immensely enjoyed book 7, though saddened that we will be getting the 8th and final volume of this series later this year. it's rare for me to find a protagonist i find myself in such perfect alignment that i am reluctant for it to end, alast this story has now come full circle.

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the brain is weird, i'm able to tear through a 500 page novel in a matter of hours, but doing anything more complex thought than that and it all comes apart at the seams.

i have to admit that originally i thought that the "so i'm a spider" anime was maybe needlessly confusing in how it composed many of the timeskip scenes but now after reading volume 13 of the novel, there is i lot more subtlety to it than my original estimation.

find myself chasing my thoughts a lot these days, and that is unsettling for me. it angers me that i am not able to explain why this is or the ramifications of me being like this for an extended period of time. but that is the beauty of the sacrifice i made to get to the present.

bah, i'm tired and would like to sleep - however i just came upon a thought i'd very much like to put down into my personal notes. while it can probably wait until tomorrow morning, i cannot stop myself from indulging in the "now" as it is so counter to my nature.

for the first time ever, amazon suggested a purchase that i was desparately looking forward to being released - and had been so without my knowledge. to think i could have had it at xmas and read it twice by now!!

i've not read many physical books over the last few months, so, i'm excited to have two arrive today that i've been eagerly awaiting the continuation of.

honestly, this seems like it would be the end of blizzard supporting the mac as a release platform. not to mention this seems like a monopoly problem for MS.

i want to go back to earlier in my morning where i wasn't thinking about stuff like this.

i ended up watching arcane last night and realized it was the first time in ages i actually watched a series for something other than filling time. content i enjoy is too little and too far between, not to mention the lack of centralized streaming platform is such a pain.

gods damn, i don't think i have fav'd something that aggressively in ages.

i'm glad i don't have work today. between the howling winds, and the general sleeplessness i haven't gotten a wink yet. ugh.

to be perfectly honest, at no point did i ever think i'd be voluntarily taking up meditation as a means of dealing with chronic
illness.

admittedly, it is the only option on the table to be able to string more than a single thought together at a time, so it is "voluntarily".

today has been less than ideal and i'm hoping that i can bounce back tomorrow but ooph being
uncomfortable in undefinable ways sure sucks.

so with working copy on ios, it appears that i cannot apply a diff/patch file i made with git on my laptop to a repo i have cloned on my phone. is there anyway to do this without manually recreating the changes by hand?

i would like to believe that i don't default to 'telling' rather than 'teaching' these days, but i'm not so sure. admittedly, i've lost a lot of patience that i once had. this is definitely a tough challenge as i'm not sure what i'd prefer as a resolution.

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i have come to dislike the mile-high view that i have these days regarding dev tooling, as i know where certain features and functionality would be better implemented but getting someone else to see all those merits is nigh impossible as it requires too much nuanced knowledge.

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after a conversation i had yesterday, i'm feeling like all apple platform devs need to have a crash course in Xcode build rules - especially if they insist on creating and integrating custom tooling with their projects.

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