cw: self-harm i suppose?
today wasn’t an act of self-care/love. i spent today in agonizing pain; and it worked, to an extent. it was exhausting, but it worked. i don’t have the capacity to be hurt by anything else if my brain is overloaded with my physical pain. on the other hand it was an interesting experience to do that to myself while reading “murciélago”. normally i prefer having my head clear to fully mull over the details. i’ll definitely do that once the physical copies i ordered arrive.
cw: self harm -> dark shit
part of the purpose of not taking care of myself today; was to suppress the soul. last night i was awake until 3-4am, due to my body feeling like it was going to be split down the middle. it was a particularly bad case of emotional pain. so, to not have to be hurt by it today i’m suppressing my ability to feel it, by otherwise overloading my brain with pain of another sort. this is far from the first time i’ve done this but i think it’s the first where i identified why?
cw: dark shit
this all probably qualifies me as a rather perturbed individual. that i cannot deny, and have tried to label this train of thought as such. from the perspective of someone that has spent their whole life with a disability when to understanding others: it now feels like i’m on the other side of one-way glass. as it’s impossible to relate or express the understanding of what something so personal and inconceivable is like.
cw: dark shit
im now i’m going to try to go to sleep for today because while this has been an enlightening experience, it is truly exhausting. i know i have to take care of myself again tomorrow or else i’m gonna be in for withdrawal symptoms from the (lack of) narcotics. while this all may seem like i’m a glutton for punishment; there is really nothing to gain from suffering needlessly. i already know what that experience is like as well, as it is what brought me here.
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