cw: self-harm i suppose? 

today wasn’t an act of self-care/love. i spent today in agonizing pain; and it worked, to an extent. it was exhausting, but it worked. i don’t have the capacity to be hurt by anything else if my brain is overloaded with my physical pain. on the other hand it was an interesting experience to do that to myself while reading “murciélago”. normally i prefer having my head clear to fully mull over the details. i’ll definitely do that once the physical copies i ordered arrive.

cw: self harm -> dark shit 

part of the purpose of not taking care of myself today; was to suppress the soul. last night i was awake until 3-4am, due to my body feeling like it was going to be split down the middle. it was a particularly bad case of emotional pain. so, to not have to be hurt by it today i’m suppressing my ability to feel it, by otherwise overloading my brain with pain of another sort. this is far from the first time i’ve done this but i think it’s the first where i identified why?

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cw: dark shit 

i think the reasoning why i did this ‘clicked’ today, was as a result of reading “murciélago”. it centers on someone with no moral compass. this is hardly an enjoyable character to put oneself in, but today, i really felt like i could find myself falling into this particular character’s embrace and enjoying it. i’m gonna attribute it to not being able to connect to the bits of me that can feel the things i need to feel to distinguish me as who i am (empathy, morals, emotions, etc).

cw: dark shit 

this all probably qualifies me as a rather perturbed individual. that i cannot deny, and have tried to label this train of thought as such. from the perspective of someone that has spent their whole life with a disability when to understanding others: it now feels like i’m on the other side of one-way glass. as it’s impossible to relate or express the understanding of what something so personal and inconceivable is like.

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cw: dark shit 

im now i’m going to try to go to sleep for today because while this has been an enlightening experience, it is truly exhausting. i know i have to take care of myself again tomorrow or else i’m gonna be in for withdrawal symptoms from the (lack of) narcotics. while this all may seem like i’m a glutton for punishment; there is really nothing to gain from suffering needlessly. i already know what that experience is like as well, as it is what brought me here.

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