aaaaaaahhh. i am, as always, continuing to be a very sappy romantic — which has turned out to be a big plus when trying to breathe life back into my “hopes and dreams”; after being abruptly extinguished by chronic illness.

if i’m being honest: i don’t have the motivation to pick things up and put them back together anymore. i lost that well over a year ago. since then, it’s been just a wait for the other shoe to drop. once that happens i don’t imagine there will be anything at all that could convince me to do anything but die.

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so, at the moment, i cannot help but want to make what i desire as concrete as possible. i realize that isn’t going to be fair to everyone, but right now that’s all i can do to string each day onto the next. at some point, i hope i can arrive at a place where i can readjust my grip on reality to better match the needs and desires of everyone. however, until that happens, there isn’t enough of me left to give to everyone — and that is it’s own change and trial for me to overcome.

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