𓂧 𓅓 𓇌 @demi@witches.social

my COBRA insurance paperwork arrived today; so hopefully i’ll have my health-insurance reinstated in the next week or so. i’ve been waiting a while for this, and i’m glad i’m reaching the “safe” stretch again.

never forget

me: oh! it looks like another book arrived!!

package: *opens*

me: i wonder which one it is, i hope it is the volume 5 of the series that i have 1-4,6-11 of so i can get to reading that!!

book: ta-da!!

me: oh, it’s the smut book.

got an industrial today, only a simple barbell because they couldn’t install the piece i had. photo is a bit blurry, thanks peripheral neuropathy. this is the first one that hurt!! (both of the hoops i have in my nose i couldn’t feel when i had them done)

ugh, i need to be leaving now and i’m feeling real queasy all of a sudden. need to take a few minutes to breathe before i rush myself out the door.

finished filling out the paperwork to the best of my ability. there were a couple of pages of questions relating to low blood pressure, which i don’t believe apply to me so im gonna leave that empty for now.

i’ve got some extensive testing scheduled today, which will take a couple of hours to complete. i’m not super looking forward to how tired i’ll be afterwards. however i think i’m gonna get some new piercings afterwards, so that is something i can look forward too.

bodacious space pirates was a blast. i do wish there was more of the anime. very good combination of campy and serious fun. the first sword fight that marika does was slick as heck with that finisher.

love to not sleep!!

today has been brutal. it’s felt like my whole body has been vibrating on a weird frequency — so all my nerve-endings and kinda tingly and the neuropathy is in high gear. that alone is fairly exhausting, then add unstable brain and i’m going nowhere fast. as much as i hate it, i do need to take a breath and slow down before attempting to process things.

im now i’m going to try to go to sleep for today because while this has been an enlightening experience, it is truly exhausting. i know i have to take care of myself again tomorrow or else i’m gonna be in for withdrawal symptoms from the (lack of) narcotics. while this all may seem like i’m a glutton for punishment; there is really nothing to gain from suffering needlessly. i already know what that experience is like as well, as it is what brought me here.

this all probably qualifies me as a rather perturbed individual. that i cannot deny, and have tried to label this train of thought as such. from the perspective of someone that has spent their whole life with a disability when to understanding others: it now feels like i’m on the other side of one-way glass. as it’s impossible to relate or express the understanding of what something so personal and inconceivable is like.

i think the reasoning why i did this ‘clicked’ today, was as a result of reading “murciélago”. it centers on someone with no moral compass. this is hardly an enjoyable character to put oneself in, but today, i really felt like i could find myself falling into this particular character’s embrace and enjoying it. i’m gonna attribute it to not being able to connect to the bits of me that can feel the things i need to feel to distinguish me as who i am (empathy, morals, emotions, etc).

part of the purpose of not taking care of myself today; was to suppress the soul. last night i was awake until 3-4am, due to my body feeling like it was going to be split down the middle. it was a particularly bad case of emotional pain. so, to not have to be hurt by it today i’m suppressing my ability to feel it, by otherwise overloading my brain with pain of another sort. this is far from the first time i’ve done this but i think it’s the first where i identified why?

today wasn’t an act of self-care/love. i spent today in agonizing pain; and it worked, to an extent. it was exhausting, but it worked. i don’t have the capacity to be hurt by anything else if my brain is overloaded with my physical pain. on the other hand it was an interesting experience to do that to myself while reading “murciélago”. normally i prefer having my head clear to fully mull over the details. i’ll definitely do that once the physical copies i ordered arrive.

i really am over the moon about being able to read again. it has felt like my brain has been out of commission for months now. it hasn’t allowed me to be able to pick up anything and be able to enjoy it. i am so relieved that i have access to this pleasure again.

it’s been a uniquely terrifying experience to be alone with one’s thoughts, while also not being able to neither distract nor take-in any new information as a result of learning and processing those thoughts.

i am also having temperature regrets as it gets quite cold at night. i need to get up at an appropriate time tomorrow as well to get some imaging done. *grumble grumble*

today i had such a great day. i picked up and finished 7 books. 7!! that was my entire physical backlog!! though i suppose that it is now 3am and i will be having some sleep regrets tonight, but i have no reading regrets!! absolutely none!!