𓂧 𓅓 𓇌 @demi@witches.social

so last night i read the majority of a manga called “Gunjou” (by Ching Narkamura). to say it was emotionally intense, would be an understatement. though, i guess if i was in the same position as chiyomi, in this story, i would have done the same thing. i know i’m really not okay these days but i’m such a bleeding heart that id make that same choice regardless of my current instability and trauma.

@oolongstains so idk if you noticed but in ios 13 there is this new toggle {Settings.app > Phone > Silence Unknown Callers} which seems to effectively work as a content blocker for spam calls — i removed the tele-content-blocker i had installed after enabling this for a few days! (i have a vague memory of talking about telephone-content-blockers on ios with someone and i thought it was you; if not then my mistake)

damn, looks like "icon for hire" are touring again and are in boston on the 30th at the middle east. i really want to get my hands on a ticket, but that probably isn't what i should be doing a week after a surgery...

well hey, i do have POTS. woohoo.

ugh the thing i hate most about getting up early is that i keep waking up throughout the night because i don’t want to instinctively oversleep. thus i woke up at 2:37, 4:16, and 5:28; just to not oversleep my 5:30 alarm.

almost done with my phone-call marathon today. uuuughh. potentially last phone call if it is successful then i have an errand to run; otherwise another phone call to make to reschedule an existing appointment from tomorrow morning to give me more time to get a testing report.

as i’m slowly picking up learning japanese, i keep screwing up my い and う in words. not because of sound but of shape, it’s weird, normally i don’t have problems like this, but only those two do i ever mix up.

this also means i have to make 4-5 phone calls tomorrow (and possible an errand) and i am super not thrilled about this.

was supposed to have a minor surgical procedure done today but due to an administrative error was canceled and i wasn’t notified. for the moment it has been rescheduled for the 24th (next week) so here’s hoping things hold together this time around.

so i’m trying to pick up some japanese while i brush up on my spanish, and now i’m enjoying small things like being able to parse and understand the untranslated expressive words in manga.

i feel like the wrong part of me is winning; like i’m getting pushed closer and closer to ending my own life. this, this thing that is my daily existence is getting to be so unbearable. having to experience not just physical trauma, but emotional trauma too; for this long is taking a serious toll.

i have a number of boxes of books still stored at my parent’s house. i know the one tall bookshelf i have isn’t enough and that all my shelves on it are double and triple shelved with books. it makes finding a particular volume hard but it’s the only way i can store them atm. i hope someday i can live somewhere that has the space for a private library. i would do anything to just sit and read, all day. that would be good, and make me happy.

i think ever since i watched “R.O.D.” on crunchyroll, i’ve had a much greater appreciation for my love of books. i’ve let it lapse somewhat for a time during+after uni; but it comes back to bite me every time i’m browsing amazon and i come across a mildly interesting cover and summary blurb. i’ll buy every book i find — if it has potential to make me smile, even if it is just for a few seconds. i love the feel, smell, texture of the paper, the heft of it; also the sense of adventure.

some of my throne of eldraine products are arriving. still waiting on the booster-box though before i start unpacking and sorting cards. i got a couple of the collector boosters this time and maybe my luck is good with them. #mtg

still wish i had some reliable local folks i could play with. more socialization could probably do me some good, though i’m super down in the dumps lately.

one of my favourite books is a joint work by terry pratchett and neil gaiman, titled “good omens”. i have found out that there was a limited tv series made of it on amazon prime video. i am super apprehensive every time i see an advert for it. being one of my favourite books, it is easily ruined for me forever by this series, or could be quite fun and enjoyable. given the injustice that the dirk gently series got (unrelated), i’m not willing to try it though.

sunlight was waaaaay too bright this morning, like my room was flooded with blinding whiteness. now my eyes hurt :(

i hope there is a future where the stress of being alive doesn’t feel like it’s forcing the air from my lungs. the amount of times where i don’t like being me has kept increasing, and it’s nothing but sorrow. i hope tomorrow is kinder to me.